Escaping The “Them vs Us” Communication Death Trap

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are” – Anais Nin

The Others. Them. Definitely not us.

Ever find yourself in an discussion where your mind shifts into a “me-vs-him” or “us-vs-them” state?

“What are they thinking?” “They must be joking.”
“Why isn’t he as smart as I am?”

The problem might be your conversation partner. Sure. Of course.

But. We each have a specific way we view the world. This difference in view and interpretation can be the source of any problem or agitation.

“The problem is all inside your head“, she said to me.

Anyway.

If you find yourself heading towards “Them-vs-Us” communication, you might run a short investigation in your own role in the conversation.

I have found a useful framework for this purpose in Anxiety/Uncertainty Management, a theory developed by William Gudyfunst. This theory is used for analyzing effective communication and cultural adaption between people belonging to a certain group (ingroup) and strangers (outgroup). Effective communication and adaption occurs when there is a low anxiety towards strangers and a low uncertainty towards behavior.

Although you don’t have to use the theory itself, the elements of the framework are very useful when looking at communication.

Insight doesn’t remove communication problems by itself, but it is the place that provides you the biggest bang for the buck.

Self-concepts

This “… includes personal identities, social identities, and collective self-esteem in this category. Social identities are employed when we try to predict intergroup behavior and personal identities are naturally employed for interpersonal behavior. They both act in such a way as to help us manage uncertainty and anxiety by sufficiently predicting behavior.” (Wikipedia)

Q: How do I see my role in this current context? How do I think my conversation partner perceives my role?

Motivation

This element “… suggest that our motivation to interact with strangers is directly related to the fulfillment of needs.” (Wikipedia)

Q: What is my motivation? What are the needs I want to fulfill?

Reactions to strangers

“We tend to act more favorably toward strangers whose mannerisms and beliefs converge with our own. In this case, we have a greater propensity to exhibit empathy, tolerate more ambiguity, and have a less rigid social posture when seeking closure.” (Wikipedia)

Q: In which way are my mannerisms and beliefs different from my conversation partner?

Social categorizations

“When people categorize themselves, they become aware of being members of ingroups and outgroups, which generates anxiety and uncertainty. People tend to have more categories for their ingroup than they do for an outgroup, but the more familiar they are with an outgroup, the more categories they see.” (Wikipedia)

Q: To which groups do I think my conversation partner belongs? Which affiliations do we share or differ?

Situational processes

“People have different scripts they expect to follow for a given situation, much like actors may follow a movie script. Miscommunication occurs when people follow a script they assume the stranger with whom they are communicating to be familiar. People also react to strangers differently based on the conditions in which they interact.” (Wikipedia)

Q: Which scripts am I following or lacking?

Connections to strangers

“… the more connected people feel to strangers, the less anxiety and uncertainty they feel in communicating with them. These connections come from attraction, interdependence, levels of intimacy, and number of the same people both communicators know.” (Wikipedia)

Q: Is there any form of attraction, interdependence or level of intimacy?

Ethical interactions with strangers

This category is “… based on dignity and respect. Both dignity and respect are assumed to be returned when given to a stranger. This leads to moral inclusiveness, which is good for interactions with strangers because both sides expect the rules of fair play to apply to them.” (Wikipedia)

Q: Am I providing dignity and respect to my conversation partner?

Interview: Improving Your Communication Skills In 4 Steps

In the first week of this year I interviewed Kimberly Wiefling about the four steps she is using to improve her own interpersonal communication skills. This fits perfectly in this topic. Kimberly is the author of “Scrappy Project Management”.

This interview is based upon four funny and insightful blog posts she wrote in the beginning of this year at UCSC Extension blog.

Image by Gumuz.